Those Advice from A Father Which Helped Me as a New Dad

"I believe I was just just surviving for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey thought he would to manage the difficulties of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Serious health problems surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. All of a sudden he was thrust into acting as her primary caregiver as well as caring for their baby boy Leo.

"I took on all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he reached burnout. It was a chat with his father, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You're not in a good spot. You require assistance. What can I do to assist you?" paved the way for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and start recovering.

His story is commonplace, but rarely discussed. Although the public is now more accustomed to talking about the strain on moms and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan thinks his challenges are part of a wider reluctance to talk between men, who often hold onto negative notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the fortress that just takes the pounding and stays upright time and again."

"It isn't a show of weakness to request help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher specialising in mental health pre and post childbirth, notes men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can think they are "not the right person to be asking for help" - especially ahead of a mum and baby - but she emphasises their mental state is just as important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad gave him the space to ask for a respite - spending a few days overseas, outside of the domestic setting, to get a fresh outlook.

He realised he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the day-to-day duties of looking after a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd failed to notice "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That epiphany has reshaped how Ryan perceives being a dad.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the expression of emotional life and understand his decisions as a father.

The notion of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have stable male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" bond with his dad, long-standing emotional pain caused his father struggled to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their relationship.

Stephen says bottling up emotions led him to make "poor choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the pain.

"You gravitate to things that don't help," he explains. "They might briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Coping as a New Dad

• Share with someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a friend, your other half or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like you before becoming a parent. This might be playing sport, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and if you can, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is faring.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - listening to their journeys, the messy ones, and also the good ones, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help isn't failing - looking after you is the optimal method you can look after your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly found it hard to accept the death, having been out of touch with him for years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his boy and instead give the security and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son is about to have a outburst, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions in a healthy way.

Each of Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, transformed how they express themselves, and figured out how to regulate themselves for their children.

"I am now more capable of… processing things and handling things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I said, at times I think my role is to teach and advise you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a two-way conversation. I am discovering an equal amount as you are on this path."